


At the Spinning Wheel

by Leloi



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Babies, Fantasizing, Infidelity, M/M, Parenthood, Pining, Season/Series 04, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-05
Updated: 2017-01-05
Packaged: 2018-09-14 21:53:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9204842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leloi/pseuds/Leloi
Summary: I look at him, really look at him.  I can see plainly what he hasn’t bothered to hide from me.  His shoes, his hair, the way he nervously glanced down at his mobile phone which is hidden away with a scrape and I know.  I know in an instant what he has done.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from a German Lieder by Schubert called, "Gretchen am Spinnrade." I'll explain in the end notes.

I look at him, really look at him. I can see plainly what he hasn’t bothered to hide from me. His shoes, his hair, the way he nervously glanced down at his mobile phone which is hidden away with a scrape and I know. I know in an instant what he has done. To me… To Mary… To the child he carries in his arms. A part of me is angry, so angry… Betrayed. But I will say nothing. I know he is unhappy. I don’t know why. It is my job to know the state of a love affair from these few small details. A part of me wants to yell at him.

A part of me wants to throw him against the wall and take his breath away with my lips to his, tasting his mouthwash on his tongue. I want to feel his nails scrape down my back as he pulls me closer in desperate desire to take what he needs. To find release. And I would give it to him. 

I would fall to my knees and take him in my mouth. His prick would be heavy and warm on the tip of my tongue. Tip of my tongue…

I could taste his skin. I will allow him to use me as he pleases. I would hear my name breathless on his lips as a part of him becomes a part of me.

“Sherlock…”

I blink, aware that we are standing face to face. Rosie stares up at me with her eyes big. Her tiny fingers are covered in drool as she gnaws on them. That first tooth will erupt soon.

“Sherlock?” John tries again.

I raise an eyebrow at him. “Yes?”

“I asked if it was alright to leave her here… Only for an hour. Molly will be around to pick her up. I have a… A thing.” I can tell by the way he nervously looks away what he means to do. Coffee… A kiss… He knows I know. He must know and he taunts me with it… Challenging me to say something. “Sherlock.”

I reach for the child, protectively pulling her to my chest. Immediately she removes her fingers from her mouth to pull at my buttons. Small things hold her attention. I shift my hold on her. “Where are you going?”

John hesitates, wondering if he should tell me the truth or lie to me. “Out.” Vagueness, then. 

I stare at him, keeping him trapped in my gaze. And for a time he holds my gaze before he looks away nervously. I win. Anger flashes through me as I imagine him locked in an intimate embrace with someone he shouldn’t be with.

“She’s had her bottle. There’s another one in the bag. She might need a nappy change in a bit.”

I want to warn him not to go, that it was pointless. All it will do is make him miserable and guilty.

“An hour. For the love of God, just an hour. Do not wander off without her or drag her off on a case. You stay here for an hour until Molly gets here. Please, do you understand?”

I frown at him. Does he think me a complete idiot? I know a case is not the place for Rosie. I promised to protect all three of them. I would never harm her. “John…”

“I’m counting on you. You promised.”

I look down at the child in my arms. She stares up at me in awe. Her hand reaches out to grab my nose. I let her tighten her damp grip for a moment before gently pulling her hand away and allow her to hold my index finger. “I’m not completely hopeless, you know.”

John sets down the bag and steps up to me. All at once I am overwhelmed by his presence and his scent. I want him to touch me, but he focuses his attention on Rosie instead, gently kissing the top of her head. “Be a good girl for Uncle Sherlock.”

I watch him leave and feel the familiar ache of loss whenever he leaves the room. Usually I throw myself back into the work to forget about it. But Rosie is here and she needs me. I lounge on the couch with her on my chest. She opens her mouth, her tiny fists grabbing my shirt as she attempts to push up on her hands. For a moment she looks excited and then collapses, beating me with her fists as she presses her drool laden face to my shirt. I rub her back in a soothing way. “You know it won’t last, right?” I ask her. “Your daddy’s affair… He’s a loyal man and one day he’s going to realize that he doesn’t really want to cheat. And then he’ll feel guilty.”

Rosie raises her head and a line of drool connects us. I should be disgusted, but I’m fascinated. I’m fascinated by this tiny being John created and left in my care. I try to imagine her as a toddler or a child. A sullen teenager… “He’ll say, ‘you knew all along and yet you didn’t tell me.’” I sigh and continue to rub her back.

I kiss the top of her head and breathe in her scent. Our world seems to shrink in around us and it is safe and content. I’m drifting away, content in our little world.

When I come to I find that Rosie is softly snoring on my chest. A presence is nearby and I look up to see Molly staring down at us. “Hello.” There is a smile on her face as she greets me.

I support the child’s back as I sit up. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s fine.” Molly answered. “It suits you.”

“What?” I ask, confused.

“Fatherhood.” 

I smile, amused by the idea. There is no possibility in my ever fathering any children naturally. Rosie is the closest I will ever come to parenthood. Rosie stirs in my arms as I pass her to Molly. She takes the bag and then she is gone.

I sit for a time, staring up at the ceiling. My mind is calm and my shirt is damp. The only problem is… What do I do about John? How can I keep from imagining him when I know he is with someone else? 

A stab of jealousy passes through me as I think about the time he gives his new fling when he could be with me. I could give him that… I could give him a warm body to fuck, and breathless release. I would not make unrealistic demands of him. I would know my place as his means of escape and embrace my role. And I would be content to give him whatever he asks of me even if it is physical. How I crave the physical… For so long it has been only him for me.

But I won’t. I can’t. It’s not fair to Mary or Rosie. As much as I ache for it, I can’t. All I can do is bury those feelings away under a mountain of work. This is what he wants. I’m here to give him what he needs… He doesn’t need that from me. …And he prefers women.

I curl up into myself, facing the back of the couch with my knees pulled up and listen to the silence of the flat.

I want him here with me. I want him safely beside me. I need him. But I can never have him. He doesn’t want me in that way. I tried to leave him forever. But he’s in danger again. When this danger has been dealt with and Moriarty gone for good I will attempt to leave him again. He can have his happily ever after with the woman he loves. I can alter my will to leave everything to his child… She will have the best education.

“So why is he having an affair if he loves Mary?” I startle at the thought, it catches me by surprise. “Why is he so unhappy?” 

I know why I am unhappy. Why is he? It makes little sense and leaves me confused. It is something I ponder often. And when I am gone he can finally move on.

“Und küssen ihn, so wie ich wollt, an seinen küssen vergehen sollt!” The German lyrics escape. I ponder them. I would die by his kiss. He has condemned me to this fate.

\--Fin

**Author's Note:**

> "Gretchen am Spinnrade" is a song by Schubert. It is about a woman, Gretchen (my real name), spinning at the spinning wheel, thinking of her man, Faust who made a deal with the devil. As she spins she gets worked up with how she is broken and how she misses and needs him. As the song intensifies she sings about his positive qualities. She stops the spinning wheel when she thinks of his kiss. The spinning wheel continues and it gets a little steamy with what she wants to do with him. The song climaxes again with the words, “Und küssen ihn, so wie ich wollt, an seinen küssen vergehen sollt!” which roughly translates to "and kiss him as I want, at your kiss to die." She wants to die kissing him. It's been said that this song takes place after he sleeps with her and she's pregnant with his illegitimate child. The song is beautiful and I learned it when I was studying music. Seek it out. The refrain repeats "My rest is gone, my heart is heavy. I'll never find them, nevermore."
> 
> So... Basically someone contemplating their doomed relationship.
> 
> I have a fondness for Schubert. My favorites are "Gretchen am Spinnrade," "Ständchen," and "Erlkönig."


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